Learning to heal with compassion and self love (A PTSD survivor's story)

Over the last few years, I've been on a journey.  Let my flow take me to the new discoveries I've needed at the time.  Over the last few months however, I've been putting a lot more effort into discovering tools and learning techniques in dealing with every day life.

I enrolled in yoga teacher training, and began seeking help from a therapist.  I knew there were things I was dealing with on a daily basis; I felt like I had a few roadblocks in the way of living a truly fulfilling life.  Before this I really had no way to identify a need inside of me.  I was typically a large jumble of emotions, never feeling like anything I did or anyone else did would be enough.  I felt unloveable.  I had an insatiable appetite for more.   More life, more breath, more chinese food, more anything that I could get my hands on.  I was always waiting for what was coming next, what was around the corner.  I had two coping mechanisms that had helped me get through some major life trials:  suppression and numbing.  My brain had gotten stuck on using these coping skills in almost every light stressor.  I realized that I wanted to branch out to learn different coping techniques.  And can say "thank you" to the coping mechanisms I've had in the past, because they helped me get through many many trials.  But as other survivors of trauma with PTSD can attest, I'm seeking ways to find other coping mechanisms.

I feel like I've spent a lot of time building bricks and foundation.   So far, I've been learning little things here and there.  Things like; yoga is my grounding balance.  Harry Potter can always distract from reality.  Best friends will always be a phone call away.  It's okay to reach out to others.  Chinese food is a coping mechanism.  Puppies are a coping mechanism.  Bubble Baths can be refilled over and over once hot water replenishes.  Sunshine is happy.  I am surrounded by love.  I am a powerful sorcerous.  The water will always call my name.  Going real fast on a road or dirt makes me feel alive.  Puppies love to lick tears.  A good cry feels AMAZING.  Getting a tattoo or my hair done makes me feel fresh.  Sometimes sleeping pills are necessary.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer always makes me feel empowered.  Protein drinks are powerful for when you have no appetite.  Purple and blue are my favorite nail colors.  I like to clean naked.  I lose myself in service.

All of these bricks and foundation are starting to find their home in the path that I'm building.  I'm starting to know when I need certain things.  Starting to pave that path with these valuable bricks I've been spending years making.

The greatest lesson that I've learned from a few months of therapy has been to stop judging everything I do.  I'm learning I don't have to try to validate or justify my own feelings and emotions.  They're my feelings and emotions.   I'm starting to be able to identify a need when it comes up, and I have some pretty awesome tools to use when that happens.  When I'm confronted with something negative, instead of hiding or shutting down (as was a way of coping in the past), here's the new gameplan (that will take a LOT of work).  (with strategies taught by Thich Nhat Hanh with an added "Amanda Grace" twist)
1) Say hello to this need and emotion.  Get REALLY curious, and honor that emotion.  (and realize that now might be a time to step away from a conversation until I can get my emotions back to a rational realm.  "Oh hello, abandonment button, let me take a moment to get really comfortable with you.")
2) Get to know the thought or emotion-- is it anxiety about the future, self-judging, bad memories?  Become very clear on the specific upset by identifying the exact thought that's adding discomfort.
3) After getting to know the thought, figure out the exact emotions that come up when I think of that.  What do they feel like?  Is my chest tightening?  Is my stomach turning?  Where is my breathing?
4) Once clearly identified, close my eyes (if appropriate) and put a picture to those thoughts.  Do they create colors, shapes, figures?  Are they abstract or clear?  It's important to let the thoughts and emotions create this imagery while I become aware of what they are.
5)BREATH (it's so much easier to suppress or distract myself from these emotions- or just think of something super positive)
6) VERY IMPORTANT.  Once I have the mental image in my thoughts and I can see what they look like (even if there's no image at all) picture myself holding the image (or lack thereof) in the way a mother holds a newborn baby.  Picture the image of my painful thought and emotion wrapped in a warm blanket, being held with very loving care closely to my heart, and extend these feelings and thoughts my very sincerest of compassions from my heart center.
7) Mentally, (or verbally) I'll say to the image that I know it's there and I promise to care for and hold it with compassion until it's ready to go, said from a very sincere place in my heart.

Through bringing our attention to the image of our painful thoughts and emotions, and tending to it with an open heart, we're doing the most natural thing we can -- -expressing LOVE.  Instead of ostracizing our uncomfortable thoughts and emotions and their unpleasant effects, we show them pure love, complete and inclusive love.  It's a love they've never known before.

After taking this process to recognize my feelings and needs, it's then time to show myself a little bit of self love, by using one of the bricks of strength I've been building.  Hop in the bathtub, cuddle some puppies, call on a friend, ask for something that I need from another person, do a few yoga poses, or just drink some water.  Choose to do something that is purely out of self love that will help shift my focus in a new direction.

I have 28 years of past needs that weren't met that have a tendency to pop up with the mention of a word, a sight, even a smell.  Instead of feeling bombarded and begging those around me to fulfill those needs, I have some beautiful tools to look into that needs face and really figure out what's going on.  This is a process that I know won't be easy.  It's a path that I know I'll be slow on, and fall off at times.  It's a path that feels has been brought into my life when I'm ready and needing a new way to cope and heal.

Five years ...

In 2009, at 22 years old, I weighed 205 lbs.  (As reference, I'm 5'6").  I was a size 18 (ish).  I was in a very unhealthy abusive relationship.  I was in a brand new city with absolutely no friends close by.  I was completely stuck.  There was no such thing as progression in my life.  It felt like every day was just another step, on a very autopilot destination to "somewhere else" though I had no idea where that somewhere else was.
On July 31st, I wrote a blog about a new "fad diet" my coworker was doing, that I decided "well why the hell not".  The diet was called HCG, and basically consisted of a mind blowingly low caloric intake (500 calories a day.... a DAY!).  It was a tough battle, but of course being on that restriction made it so I lost weight.  Drastic weight.  In about 51 days of that diet, I was transformed to 155 lbs.  (Might it also be noted that I weighed 193 when I started, as I'd managed to drop about 10 lbs on my own just by not eating out for a few months previous when I was buying my house.)  I was a size 10.  I hadn't been a size 10 even in high school.  This was the "smallest" I'd ever been since most likely junior high or even elementary school.
Five years later, I'm finding I'm still healing my body along with my soul.  I've had a very poor body image my entire life, and I've been putting a lot of work into reversing that over the past five years.  Today I hoover around 140 lbs (though honestly I try to not weigh myself as I go off of how fit I am, and how my body feels) and a size 6.  I do a lot of yoga.  All of the hobbies I've adopted are pretty physical in nature (try seeing how hungry you get after an entire day of snowboarding, or after biking for 30 miles).  I am living my life so colorfully.  I don't have to say no to trips climbing or kayaking because my body just isn't capable.  I'm able to say yes to so much "living".  It completely blows my mind when I look back on where I was, and can appreciate where I am today.  If I was able to turn my life around when I was in a place of such darkness, it makes me stoked to see what I can accomplish when I'm in such a healthier spot.
Five years ago I decided to take a shot at taking my life in a new direction.  Five years ago, my life was changed completely.

Life Trials

Some things in life simply don't make any sense.  They're just not fair.  Whether they be something that's impacted us that another person has done, health issues, or something you may have done yourself without fully thinking about the consequences.  We're human.  There are some things we just have absolutely no control over.  What separates us?  How we handle our lives when we are going through those trials.  Recognizing that you are the only one who controls your feelings, emotions, stress levels, happiness, etc etc is when you can set yourself free from the "control cycle". 
"Falling out of a posture means you are human; getting back into the posture means you are a yogi." - Bikram Choudhury

The Road Home

The Road Home

Hydration (it really is key)

Last Friday night I decided to do bikram, followed by an hour bouldering (like rock climbing, just on smaller walls, with no ropes and slightly harder in my opinion). Pretty intense work outs alone, but together it wasn't as exhausting as I had thought. Well I made a mistake. A big mistake. (Yes I'm human). I didn't properly hydrate between, during, before, or after these activities. I know better than this, however for some reason I didn't drink near enough water. Needless to say, my arms hurt more than they ever have. It took FOUR days for me to recover and be able to continue work on my arms and climb again. I knew it had to be the whole not enough hydration thing. So last night I did the same regime. Bikram at 4:30, downed a bottle of water during and right after, had a premier protein shake, and went climbing, drank another bottle of water throughout climbing. When I got home, oh there was another bottle of water downed (I drink from 24 oz water bottles). I forgot to mention that while at work, I consumed 3 full water bottles as well. (144 oz total that day). Ya know what? I'm not sore today. Well, my back is slightly sore, but that's because I climbed a 5.10 last night (the highest difficulty I've done yet).
Moral of the story: HYDRATE!!!!!
PS, it is difficult at first to get used to drinking that much water, and frequent bathroom breaks become annoying. My trick is I keep a water bottle with me wherever I go. I also try to eat foods that are high in water content (watermelon is a whopping 92% water!)
Here's the "science" behind it:
Two-thirds of the human body is made up of water. Although it is possible to go for a long time without food, people cannot live without water for more than a few days. Every cell and organ depends on water to perform essential functions. The water in your body performs the following functions:
Removes waste and toxins
Transports nutrients and oxygen
Controls heart rate and blood pressure
Regulates body temperature
Lubricates joints
Protects organs and tissue, including the eyes, ears, and heart
Creates saliva
Why it's important to athletes (I consider myself pretty athletic)
Hydration is essential to peak athletic performance. When you do not consume enough liquid or fresh fruits and vegetables to stay properly hydrated, you end up thirsty and light headed. Insufficient hydration fatigues your muscles, reduces your coordination and causes muscle cramps. While working out or playing sports, dehydration compromises the body's ability to cool itself through sweating. This leads to heat exhaustion and in extreme cases a potentially life-threatening condition called heat stroke.
Why it's important for weight loss:
Consume part of the water required for proper daily hydration before your meals to control your appetite according to a study by researchers from Virginia Tech and reported at the 2010 National Meeting of the American Chemical Society. Drinking 16 oz. of water before meals three times a day over a 12-week period increased average weight loss by about 5 lbs., compared with those who did not increase water intake. Researchers could not definitively say what caused the additional weight loss but speculate it fills up the stomach making you feel fuller.

Sexy underwear creates confidence

This one is dedicated to my sister Lara

According to research, when women wear the right underwear, they are more confident about their bodies and about their overall appearance.
Underwear comprises the most intimate part of our clothing but still has great social importance. It can stimulate different feelings on different occasions. Underwear can make you feel more womanly and they generate sensations and feelings of confidence.
So underwear, bras, camisoles and so on do become a tool of expression and a carrier of feelings. Feelings regarding your personal view of your body and sexuality. This has a lot to do with the fitting and the size of the lingerie. The key to what really makes lingerie look sexy is choosing the right size. If you don't you can feel miserable all day and it will even affect your confidence level througout the day.
Underwear can really add to you feeling good or bad. So when choosing you "women's intimates"; making sure that the fabric is soft and elegant is not the only factor, but also make sure you have the right size to make you feel sexy and self confident all day long.
At the end of the day if you felt confident that would have glowed off you, making other people interact more positively toward you as well. So choose your lingerie wisely!

Vegetarian Chili

Made this last night.... oh my heavens it's so yummy. The only modifications I made were adding lots more veggies, I added carrots, brocolli, green beans, cauliflower, mushrooms, more corn, more garlic, and peas. (Could make it even easier by adding frozen veggies) I also added just a tiny amount of water to make it a little less thick since I added so many more veggies. I'm so stoked for the left overs too!


Prep Time: 10 Minutes
Cook Time: 2 Hours
Ready In: 2 Hours 10 Minutes
Servings: 8
Nutritional Information
Amount Per Serving Calories: 260 Total Fat: 2g Cholesterol: < 1mg
"Grab your slow cooker and the ingredients for this wonderful chili and you have a party in the making. Everything goes into the cooker and emerges two hours later as vegetarian chili."
Ingredients:
1 (19 ounce) can black bean soup
1 (15 ounce) can kidney beans, rinsed
and drained
1 (15 ounce) can garbanzo beans, rinsed
and drained
1 (16 ounce) can vegetarian baked
beans
1 (14.5 ounce) can chopped tomatoes in
puree
1 (15 ounce) can whole kernel corn,
drained
1 onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder, or to taste
1 tablespoon dried parsley
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried basil
Directions:
1.
In a slow cooker, combine black bean soup, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, baked beans, tomatoes, corn, onion, bell pepper and celery. Season with garlic, chili powder, parsley, oregano and basil. Cook for at least two hours on High